I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
