i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
