You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
