Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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