he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Houston, we have a squirter
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You are the jesus of drinking
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
