if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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