So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
this hospital has no fireball
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
