I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
