yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
