last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
