You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
