if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
