someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
