i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize