The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
