I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
