ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
