What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Randomize
