Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
