Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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