I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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