At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
