WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
