so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
