I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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