fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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