Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
