My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
