All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
