The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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