It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
