counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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