If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
