she looked like the bat from fern gully.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
