get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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