My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
