First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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