Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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