i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
