I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
