I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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