Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
