I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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