I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
