I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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