Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize