i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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