i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
