time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
