i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
