Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
