My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
