I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
