I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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