Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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