I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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