Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
