I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
