Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
