You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
