I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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