6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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